I can't pretend that you were there. I can't pretend I held your hand.

There are nights where I don't want to let go of the past. Let me rephrase that.. not just nights. Days, weeks even. I think for the better part of 6 months, I have held on to something that I know is no longer there. I have held on to memories that will never recreate themselves. Feelings that will never evolve. And I have held on to a person who no longer holds on to me. So, while the year is still new, and resolutions are still ready and able to be made, I will make the resolution that I will be okay being alone. I have made the fact widely known that I hate being alone but as new situations and new feelings have presented themselves, I have no choice but to be alone for most parts of my day. With that, I look at the clock and read 1:38 a.m. and tonight I will sleep in the middle of the bed rather than cling to one side waiting for it to be filled with that familiar body again. I will wake up in the morning, without the kiss on the cheek that became the morning routine. I will eat breakfast alone. I will get dressed and dance in front of the large wooden mirror instead of him. And I will finally be okay with all of that. Because I am tired of living in the past and wishing that things would go back to the way they used to be.

Because if they were supposed to be that way, they would have stayed that way.




A bed for one.